For example, all pet owners who are worried about their money sense can rest easy when they hear about my pet expense program. I purchased Sergei, a four-year-old Russian wolfhound for a mere $250.00. The dog is a perfect pup and I was able to buy him as a rescue from the National Borzoi Rescue Foundation. I sure as heck was not going to pay $5000.00 for a hound with a bloodline that stretched from Czar Nicholas II to the winner’s circle at the 2002 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Sergei hangs around the house and simply looks good, gets fed, and keeps me company. $5000.00 my foot!! In the first month of owning this bargain-special, street-legal, Salvation Army happy critter, my expenses have included the following:

• Invisible Fence System: $900.00
• Air Conditioning the Garage: $2500.00
• Dog Walkers as I get home late: $75.00/month
• Two Dog Beds (extra large): $200.00
• First Vet visit and grooming: $200.00
• First visit to pet store for food, toys, snacks, and hypo-allergenic soap: $150.00
• New SUV to transport the Dog (sports car too small) $35,000.00

There it is. I have spent $39,275.00 on Sergei. To point out my anemic talent for finances ever further, I have to admit that the darn dog hates the garage. He is perfectly house trained and stays in the house during the day. He is fed and walked twice daily and plays in the invisibly and visibly fenced yard as he likes. He told me I was an idiot for getting the A/C for the garage. He won’t step foot in it. My other hounds, Hamlet and Russell, may have loved the garage, but Sergei never asked to have the place cooled for him. I have considered sleeping in the garage occasionally so as not to appear as a total idiot for wasting my money. It is quite comfortable. The garage A/C even comes with a remote control devise so I can change the temperature easily. My SUV is a truck-like conveyance that seems big enough to transport the latest entry in the Kentucky Derby as well as a spoiled Wolfhound. My dog is now somewhat less of a bargain than I had planned. Although he is everything a pet should be, he sure doesn’t look like a $40,000.00 purchase. He is smart. He is one heck of lot smarter than his master.

Now that I have made everyone, particularly every pet owner, comfortable about their certainly more intelligent financial planning talents, I would like to suggest some common health finance decisions that can be, unexpectedly, very costly. Consider the recurring chest pain you get when you exert yourself while chasing the dog that has ignored the invisible fence and is now threatening to eat the neighbor’s beloved cat. If you decide not to have a $95.00 electrocardiogram as part of a $200.00 visit to a family practice physician, you may get a bill for a $300.00 ambulance ride, a $6000.00 emergency cardiac catheterization, and a $54,000 emergency coronary by-pass surgery. How about this for financial genius? A lady decides to skip the $100.00 mammogram and later turns out to have breast cancer. She then gets an $8000.00 hospital bill for a needed mastectomy (The HMO price may be less if done as an outpatient.) Unfortunately, the tumor has spread and chemotherapy is needed. The bill may rise to $30,000.00. Another common less-than-fiscally-astute decision is to avoid having a screening colonoscopy. The procedure requires a nuisance bowel preparation and you may miss a day of work. To protect yourself from colon cancer, this test will cost you about $2000.00 for the hospital and physician fees. Of course, if you are one of the 160,000 Americans diagnosed with colon cancer annually, the ticket will be roughly $50,000.00 for surgery and follow-up care. I don’t even want to put a price on the value of your simply dying of colon cancer. Your family can tell you that. So before you laugh, point, stare, and roll over laughing at my horrible financial decisions regarding Sergei, consider the not-so-funny health financial decisions you may have made so far this year. I plan to keep Sergei and you should plan to see a doctor for some relatively dirt-cheap screening tests. They are the best money can buy and they may save you a ton of money as well as your life. I worry that I may not have made the best financial decision regarding adding a pet to my life. On the other hand, I was thinking of getting married again and having a few children. I decided to get Sergei. I know a bargain when I see one.